After last night, I could never be a politician.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
