Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
