At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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