i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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