Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
she looked like the before picture.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize