sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
