after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
