I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
My liver just had a heart attack.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
