seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Randomize
