woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
