Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
