I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
