If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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