well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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