I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
