I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
