My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
