If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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