I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
