It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You pole danced in your parka.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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