I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize