Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
