some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
