Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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