I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize