Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
