i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize