Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
