i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
