i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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