Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
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