i think i have two assholes
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
