I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
the night ended with taco bell and tears
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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