Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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