I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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