i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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