Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
