i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize