I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
