God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
