your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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