your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
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