Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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