If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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