So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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