There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
