there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
