Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
