so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
