Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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