Soap is not a condiment
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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