it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
