Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
