It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
