And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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