He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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