new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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