I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize