Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
did i just pee glitter
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
