I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
