there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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