You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I think my moral compass just broke
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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