I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
