I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Boobs are out for the taking
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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