Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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