$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
