omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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