I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
