He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
