So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Randomize
